TALES OF THE UNTOLD TALES OF THE A-MEN--FULL METAL JACKASS

[minkwheel]

Welcome back kids... out for more pun-ishment, I see... In the few stories I've posted, we've met some of the HEROES--but I've never introduced the VILLAINS as of yet.... well, I'll start that today. THE A-MEN actually are fighting the good fight against a ruthless and evil MARTIAN guy with lots of tentacles, known as ORIN JUJU LIOS in his native tongue.... Charity Case translates this as 'ORANGE JULIUS" ..., yes, he's ORANGE, and just as round as one, but he hates being compared to an aging fruit smoothee fast food joint...almost as much as CARL'S JUNIOR does..... NO, MY HUMOR HASN'T EVOLVED ALL THAT MUCH, just two steps to the left really. ORANGE JULIUS is RUTHLESS AND EVIL, EVIL AND RUTHLESS, RUTHLESS AND RUTHLESS, EVIL AND EVIL...more RUTHLESS AND EVIL than I can write about unless I pick up a thesaurus...
ORANGE JULIUS IS A CONQUERER OF PLANETS...a pretty easy thing to do since most planets are sort of FLOATING ROCKS with no one on them to defend their turf..... thus, since crashing on THIS rock.... he's had a LITTLE opposition to his quest for world domination.... he's going to need some HELP battling against the A-MEN.............and he's about to GET it. Yes, he IS....

SECRETLY HIDING IN AN UNDERGROUND BASE IN RED ROCKS CANYON in the USA........HIDING THERE BECAUSE IT REMINDS HIM OF HIS MARTIAN HOMELAND..........and I just realized that the location isn't a secret anymore since I blurted it out........oh, no matter.... most folks are skimming this part of the text over until I get to some FEMBOT dialogue anyway.... so the secret's SAFE.... BACK TO THE STORY... YES... CARL'S JUNIOR IS THERE TO LEND HIS SUPPORT UNTIL HE CAN OVERTHROW THE CHUBBY ALIEN AND TAKE OVER.........and..........there's another villain who I haven't put in these stories for a while.........he's lurking in the shadows.............SKULKING actually..........

Skulk......skulk.........and skulk some more........he's finally noticed by ORIN JUJU LIOS....and DICTION...OJ's intergalactic interpreter and worldly scholar arch villainy assistant guy.....

DICTION-OJ'S INTERGALACTIC INTERPRETER AND WORLDLY SCOLAR ARCH VILLAINY ASSISTANT GUY>>>>> LOOK SIRE!! --AN INTRUDER!!

Diction's a SNITCH too....just so's you know...

ORANGE JULIUS SPEAKS>>>> IN-TRUUUU-DER......Tell me WHY I SHOULDN'T KILL YOU ON THE SPOT?

SKULKING INTRUDER who will be unceremoniously introduced again in a second....wait for it>>>>>>> I.....have traveled.....a looong way to.... offer my services to you.........your conquest of the earth can not happen without ME.....I AM SKULKING VITO SCOTTI!!!! (koff! koff!)... Super evil scientist!!!

-------SHIT!!! IT'S SKULKING VITO! --THE MAD SCIENTIST DOCTOR FROM GIGGLIN'S ISLAND WHO PUT THOSE HYPNOTIC ROBOTIC RINGS on the castaways, and then came back to switch their personalities a few episodes later..... Jebus! --I thought I left him for DEAD in another story ... guess not!--but he's here to help ORANGE JULIUS....... for WHAT price, I cannot say..........I haven't thought that far into the backstory yet.

ORANGE JULIUS>>>>SUPER EVIL SCIENTIST? --ALL I SEE IS A BLACK HAT AND CLOAK!!! ----WHAT CAN A BLACK HAT AND CLOAK DO FOR ME?

SKULKING VITO GETS TO THE POINT>>>>I am very much LIKE YOU, stranded.....alone.......wanting WORLD CONQUEST.....I ...can help YOU with my eeeeevil experiments! ------ FOR WORLD CONQUEST....... YOU NEED AN ARMY! ----AN OBEDIENT ARMY!!!

CARL'S JUNIOR CHIMES IN>>>>>>>>>MY FEMEROIDS CAN DO ANYTHING THAT I ORDER THEM TO!!! GET LOST HASBEEN MAD SCIENTIST! --I'M HERE ALREADY and waiting TO TAKE OVER THE WOR..... um.........to HELP MY MARTIAN OVERLOAD.......oooooooOOOVERLORD to take over.....YES... THAT'S IT. BELIEVE IT.....for now.

SKULKING VITO>>>ROBOTS....ROBOTS THAT YOUUUUUUUU CONTROL! -- I HAVE CONQUERED THE SCIENCE THAT LETS ME CONTROL HUMANS aaaaaaaand I have mastered the miracle of TRANSFERANCE!!! YOU FOOL!

.....I HAVE COMBINED MY SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERIES..ROBOTICS AND TRANSFERANCE.....AND I BRING MY RESULTS TO YOU, GREAT JULIUS!!!

CARL'S JUNIOR>>>>>MY FEMEROIDS ARE OBEDIENT, AND AS BEAUTIFUL OR AS DEADLY AS I CHOOSE TO MAKE THEM!!!

SKULKING VITO>>>AND YOU CAN CHOOSE TO MAKE THEM OVERTHROW THE GREAT JULIUS!!!!! PLEASE, YOUR GREATNESS...... I CAN PROVE THAT MY CONVERSION SOLDIERS WILL WORK! --IF ONLY YOU WILL LOOK AT ONE OF THE FINISHED PRODUCTS!!!

CARL'S JUNIOR>>>DON'T BE STUPID! --HIS RIDICULOUS MACHINATIONS AREN'T GOING TO FOOL ANYBODY!!!

GREAT ORANGE JULIUS>>>>WHAT CAN THIS TALKING HAT AND CLOAK SHOW ME?

SKULKING VITO WHIPS OFF HIS HAT AND COAT....... shock sort of ensues

SKULKING VITO>>>>>>BEHOLD!! -- WITNESS MY GENIUS, FOOLS!

CARL'S JUNIOR>>>>WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE WITNESSING, GENIUS?

SKULKING VITO>>>I'M A MONKEY YOU FOOL!!!---A TALKING MONKEY!!!!
---not having any more "volunteers" TO EXPERIMENT ON.... I fused myself with my monkey IGOR!!!!---- I RETAINED MY INTELLECT, AAAAAND gained HIS agility and long life!!! ---PERFECT TO SUBJECT TO OBEDENT SOLDIERS! ---ROBOTIC TECHNOLOGY MIXED WITH THE STRENGTHS OF ANIMALS OF THIS PLANET WILL OVERTHROW ANYTHING THAT STANDS IN YOUR WAY OF CONQUEST!!!! ---YES! --hahahahaha EEEEEk EEEEEKK!!!

ORANGE JULIUS>>>>AN ENDLESS ARMY OF OBEDIENT ANIMALS..... FANTASTIC!!!! -----YOU MAY BEGIN THE EXPERIMENTS WITH MY BLESSING....................HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!!!!

SKULKING VITO THE MONKEY>>>>I HAVE ANTICIPATED YOUR ENTHUSIASM AND PROPER RESPECT of my WORK........... I HAVE A GIANT BOX OF PURRING KITTENS OVER THERE........

DICTION>>>>HOW THE HELL DID I MISS SEEING those???

SKULKING VITO SCOTTI THE MONKEY>>>> KITTENS HAVE NINE LIVES, THEY ALWAYS LAND ON THEIR FEET, AND ARE VERY LOYAL.....WITH MY CONVERSION TECHNOLOGY.............I WILL TRANSFORM THESE PURRING FURBALLS INTO OBEDIENT SOLDIERS HELLBENT ON YOUR WORLD CONQUEST CAUSE!!!!

to advance the story a bit.... all of Skulking Vito's supplies and machinations are all in an adjoining cave...... convenient for ALL, really... and still..............where is the electricity coming from? -- the same gaff from Gigglin's Island with the robotic rings.... he MUST be a Genius!

THE GINOROUS BOX OF KITTENS IS LOADED INTO THE CONVERTER .... YOU CAN HEAR MUFFELD PURRING SOUNDS AS THE PROCESS BEGINS ... oh, those poor kittens...........PETA is on the phone right now, but I'll let the machine get it.........gotta finish this story........... VITO LAUGHS A LOT, LIGHTS LIGHT, COMPUTERS COMPUTE, CATS PURR... AND CONVERT ...........................and here comes the worst pun of the day...........

SKULKING VITO SCOTTI THE MONKEY>>>>>> BEHOLD, ORIN JUJU LIOS !!!! ----YOUR NEVER ENDING OBEDIENT ARMY OF "PURR-VERTS!!!"
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I'M ENDING IT THERE FOR NOW, KIDS.......I CAN'T HANDLE THE EVIL right now.

[minkwheel]

JOE JACKSON>>>>What are you all staring at ME for? -- I'm the guy who did 'STEPPIN' OUT" and 'IS SHE REALLY GOING OUT WITH HIM?" as well as many of Minkwheel's favorite tunes from the 80's..... leave ME out of this... Michael Jackson's DAD is over THERE..... bug HIM for a while!

MICHAEL JACKSON'S DAD, JOE JACKSON>>>>> STOP MAKING FUN OF MY CASH COWWWWwwwwwwwwMY.... MY SON! --- unless you were serious about being able to bring him back to life via NANITES, BIONICS and technical hoodoo.......he never finished signing over his musical rights to me .........his really real greedy.......I mean...GRIEVING Father... JOE. CAN YOU MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR A NOMINAL CHARGE, ZOMBO.COM? -- CALL MY CELL at 1-555-SORRYASS-BASTARD. BLANKET can't carry a TUNE, and he simply won't FOLLOW ORDERS....I NEED COMPLIANCE......AND WHY AM I HOLDING AN EMPTY GLASS WITH ICE IN IT? ---IT'S BECAUSE SOMEONE HASN'T FRESHENED MY DRINK IN THE LAST FIVE MINUTES.... WHAT IS MY SON'S LEGACY PAYING YOU PEOPLE FOR???!!!?? I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!!! HELP ME!

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HELP US ALL, actually.......Rest, Michael....I'll get to meet you one day to THANK you.... any time I can expose seediness in the human condition... I will do so. Assholes come in many colors.... yes, all life is precious ..... but sometimes PRECIOUS doesn't mean BEAUTIFUL.