BIONIC WOMAN: INFO-MERCILESS

minkwheel · Post by **minkwheel** » Thu Feb 12, 2009 1:02 pm

OUT OF WORK HACKTRESS FAITH FORD>>>>> Hello latenight tv watcher! --perhaps the reason you are up tonight and watching TV right now might be that you have a lumpy mattress and just can't seem to sleep at all? --TOSSING AND TURNING, TURNING AND TOSSING TIL THE WEE HOURS? --IT EFFECTS YOUR WORK, YOUR WHOLE LIFE REALLY..... Well, I'm the NEW spokesperson for SELECT COMFORT here to tell you about our SLEEP NUMBER BEDS! --I AM---

LINDSAY WAGNER, BIONIC EX SPOKESPERSON FOR SLEEP NUMBER BEDS --AND BY THE WAY...SHE'S PRETTY DAMN WELL PISSED>>>>>> ...YOU ARE HONING IN ON MY GIG YOU EVIL HOOTCHIE...THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING! --I AM THE SPOKESWOMAN FOR SLEEP NUMBER BEDS!!!-- THEY CAN'T FIRE ME! --I HAVE A CONDO IN THE HILLS!!!

HACKTRESS FAITH FORD>>>> I thought I HEARD A CREAKING NOISE! --AND LOOK WHO JUST WALKED IN! --YOU'RE ANCIENT, JAMIE .... I'M THE NEW MODEL HERE TO SELL THESE BEDS..... GO HOME, STICK A BATTERY UP YOUR HOOHAH AND RECHARGE, OR WHATEVER YOU DO.

LINDSAY WAGNER, EX SPOKESPERSON, CONDO OWNER>>>> HOW CAN THE SLEEP NUMBER PEOPLE REPLACE ME?? -- I'M TV'S ORIGINAL BIONIC WOMAN! --I BUST BALLS IN SLOW MOTION!-- I've fought FEMBOTS!!!

HACKTRESS FAITH FORD >>>well ME TOO! -- EVER SEE CANDICE BERGEN or KELLY RIPA act? -- ROBOTS, I'M TELLING YA!

LINDSAY WAGNER, STILL BIONIC, STILL PISSED, CONDO OWNERSHIP PENDING>>>>> I GAVE YEARS OF MY TALENT FOR THIS COMPANY, WHY WOULD THEY JUST DUMP ME???

HACKTRESS FAITH FORD>>> MAYBE IT'S THOSE BIONIC BAGS UNDER YOUR EYES, BABE! -- HOW CAN YOU SELL COMFY BEDS WHEN IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE YOU'VE SLEPT IN WEEKS? -- POINT, SET AND MATCH, BITCH!

LINDSAY WAGNER, STILL BIONIC,..STILL BODACIOUS, JUST DON'T LOOK AT HER BAGGY EYES.... SHE'S SENSITIVE>>>>>>> YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS-HAT!!!--HOW DARE YOU!!! I'M GOING TO RUN OVER THERE AND KICK IN A SECOND ASS HOLE FOR YOU!!! HERE IT COMES, BITCH!!!

(Universal Pictures Television SFX LIBRARY effect #2---Bionic action sequence na na na's----aaaaaaaand CUE) Na NANANANANANANANA NA NA NA NAAAA!! --

FAITH FORD!>>>>>> -- JESUS! --I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHERE THAT SOUND IS ESCAPING FROM! -- NA NA NA NA---Jamie, you sound like the beginning of a DOO WOP record!..... I'll just dodge your slow motion attack with a kick of my OWN!

(PUNT!!!) oh... CRIPES......JAMIE'S GOING TO FREAK!

LINDSAY WAGNER---ABOUT TO FREAK>>>> AAAAAAAAAAH!!! ---AAAAAAAAAAAAH! ---YOU DIDN'T!!! (see, I told you she'd freak...) you DENTED MY BIONIC ASS, YOU BITCH!!! --- OW!! FRIGGIN' A!!!

FAITH FORD>>>YEAH! --I"'M BUILT FORD TOUGH, DON'T FORGET IT.

LINDSAY WAGNER, CLASSY LASS, WITH A DENTED ASS>>>> So, you think you got the BEST of me, do ya? --well... I know how to WORK the PERKS when doing commercials for as long as I have.... Excuse me while I WHIP THIS OUT!!!

Kids.... it's a SELECT COMFORT REMOTE that she's taken out of her jean pocket......

LINDSAY WAGNER>>>>MY SLEEP NUMBER MAY BE 35, BUT MY BUTT NUMBER IS AT A COMFORTABLE 67!

......and as if by cheesy closeup magic, Lindsay's ASS inflates a bit, and THAT pops the dent out........SCIENCE! --RUDY WELLS NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT ACCESSORY, NO SIR.

FAITH FORD>>> oh shit.

LINDSAY PUSHES FAITH TO THE FLOOR, AND YES.... IT JUST HAPPENS TO BE IN SLOW MOTION, so's you can all see it............... more NA NA NA'S...

FORD ON THE FLOOR>>>> You aren't the ONLY one that can work the perks!!! -- Faith Ford whips out a SELECT COMFORT REMOTE FROM HER HIP POCKET, AND SETS IT FOR A FIRM 99.................... SEEMS THAT FAITH DIDN'T HAVE A SELECT COMFORT BUTT IMPLANT.....BUT SHE DID undergo SOME cosmetic surgery............ FAITH'S BOOBS inflate to utter balloonery... bouncing her back to her feet, unscathed by Lindsay's attack ... they kick and punch each other..... until they BOTH fall onto separate SELECT COMFORT BEDS........AND.....THEY LOOK LIKE THEY AREN'T IN PAIN......THEY LOOK RATHER ......COMFY.......knocked out COLD......

SELECT COMFORT PRESIDENT>>>> ....ARE YOU GETTING ALL OF THIS?

NON UNION MEMBER INFOMERCIAL CAMERAMAN>>>> Si !

SELECT COMFORT PRESIDENT>>>> THE MONEY'S GONNA ROLL IN... they look so PEACEFUL..... Oh, and while your at it... send me a copy of this later......... Faith's big scene there is my NEW SCREEN SAVER. I LOVE SCIENCE! ----THAT'S A WRAP, PEOPLE!!!

NON UNION TELEVISION PRODUCTION WORKERS>>>> Si !!!